Prologue: An Invitation

I’ve been sitting here for a while. It’s almost midnight, there’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother blaring on the TV, I’m half-heatedly paying attention. I’ve mainly been staring at the blank canvas that lies in front of me on my laptop. I just created this blog, and I’m not even sure where to begin. There’s probably better stuff I could be doing right now. Like sleeping mainly. But I haven’t slept well in ages. I end up spending most of my nights lying in bed thinking until I finally just sort of pass out from fatigue.

So who am I? Well that’s confidential. I can tell you a few things about me though.

  1. I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Asperger’s if you don’t know is a high-function form of Autism. The gist of it is this, I have a ton of social anxiety. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to make friends or keep conversations going. Talking has always been an enormous pain for me. I’d much rather write than speak.
  2. I’m currently in college, I take classes online and I’m in my third year of study.
  3. I’m probably one of the biggest nerds on the planet.
  4. I’m from a Christian background. My parents met each other in a Seminary Chapel. I was one of those babies that was in the Church nursery pretty much as soon as I was out of the hospital.
  5. I am honestly not sure how to describe my faith right now. I want to believe what I have always felt about God and Christianity. But over the past few months, for the first time in my life I have truly started to doubt my faith. I guess I would describe myself as a religious person who is currently trying to figure out what they truly believe in.

So why am I writing an anonymous blog? I mean there’s no way for me to market this. I have no idea if anyone else will ever read this. It may just be me, myself and I rambling on and on to myself. But I have been thinking about doing this for a while now. A Blog where I could be unfiltered and share what I’m going through.

I mentioned above that I have Asperger’s and part of that is having an extreme amount of social anxiety. Well this makes sharing my feelings about 1,000 times harder than I assume it is for a normal person. I have my family and like two best friends and even with them I barely share how I’m feeling deep down..and when I do I stutter my way through it.

Because of this, I haven’t shared those feelings with anyone in a while..and it’s gotten to the point where it feels like my brain is about explode from the pressure if I can’t open up. I’ll be honest, 2019 has been a pretty shit year for me. I have gone through a breakup that left me completely shattered, I have been unemployed and until just last week, unable to find a job. I’ve been pouring all this energy into my degree and it’s starting to burn me out, and the school hasn’t gone well at times either. I’ve failed a class, retaken it and passed, only to now be on the verge of failing an entirely different class. Oh and there’s a personal struggle that I’ve been dealing with since I was 15.

On top of all this I’ve been having all these doubts about myself and my faith. Who am I? What am I here for? Do I have what it takes to succeed in life? What does succeeding in life even look like for me? Does God really care about me? I’ve been dealing with all of this and I’ve barely shared a word of it with anyone, and I just can’t do that anymore.

When I was younger and I wanted to talk about something deep and personal with my parents, I would send them an email. I would use the email to prepare a statement of sorts, my parents could then read about it and then talk to me. I’ve always been a better writer than speaker. When I write I have time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it which is something I desperately need. That’s where the idea of this blog came from. I can’t really talk about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through, so I’ll write about it instead.

My favorite musician at the moment is a rapper by the name of NF (If you’ve never heard of him, go look him up on youtube RIGHT NOW! Seriously this man’s music has helped me so much.) On the title track of his 2nd album “Therapy Session” NF talks about his music saying “When I feel something, whether it’s anger…it’s a passion about something, or frustration..this is where I go…This is real for me, I need this, this is a therapy for me.” That’s how I feel about this blog.

Welcome to my Therapy Session.

Day 12, Monday October 28th 2019

Fighting Back

First off, yes I did miss my post for yesterday, Sunday was a pretty quiet day, I relaxed at home, watched Formula 1, and then last night I was hanging out with a friend of mine and I didn’t get home and settled until around 2:00 this morning. I was extremely tired and didn’t have the energy to write up a post. I feel like that’s a reasonable exception.

Today was a rough day, first off Monday’s are rough enough as it is, I also had my thorn flaring up today and depression was being a real bitch. The first half of my day I literally did nothing. My energy was totally sapped and I wanted nothing more than to just lay in bed all day doing nothing. These are the days depression feels unbearable. It’s days like these where my mindset almost changes to have one goal, survive. Just find a way to survive and make it till bedtime.

This afternoon I fought back a little, I went to the gym and I worked out harder than I have in a while. I came home completely exhausted, but satisfied.

Day 10, Saturday October 26th 2019

Another quiet day

Today was a busy day, and by busy I mean watching sports all day. After a rough first week of school I needed a day where I could just relax and unwind. Unfortunately I’m an Everton fan and they once again left me questioning why I torture myself week in and week out watching this mess of a club. Sports really are like nothing else. A majority of the time it leaves us disappointed, yet we always come back. Everton have done nothing but leave me heartbroken ever since I started following them in 2013, but every week I come back thinking this time it will be different.

Day 9, Friday October 25th, 2019

Quiet Day

To start off a quick note, I did write a post on Wednesday but for some reason it did not post or save. It was a pretty short post so I’m not going to bother reposting it.

Today was a very quiet but busy day, I spent most of my day working on a paper for school. I also went out for a walk earlier and it was a beautiful day for it. Overall, it has been a very good day. I’m looking forward to this weekend where there is a lot of good sports to watch.

Day 8, Thursday October 24th, 2019

Throwback Thursday: The Press Box Story

I’m not sure if I will do this every Thursday, but I’ve decided to make today a throwback Thursday and tell you all a story. Today’s story is probably the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. This…is the press box story.

This story took place in August of 2002. I was 8 yeas old and I had entered a contest at a local store to be a guest PA announcer for a half inning at a ballgame for the local minor league baseball team. I won the contest and was invited to a game with my family. I went to the game with my parents and my younger brother. I was so excited to be doing this! But as we got closer to game time trouble was brewing…

I started to get a headache, and not just any old headache, nope, this was a full blown migraine and it hit me hard. I was feeling awful, but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity and we went to the game. As the game got underway I had some dinner and for a while I felt better. We had great seats and I was enjoying the time with my family. Finally the team sent someone to escort us up to the press box.

As we made the walk upstairs, I started feeling bad again, and this time my stomach was getting nauseous. But I told myself to push through it. We got up to the press box and were introduced to everyone. The Announcers were all very friendly and they gave me a card showing me the names of the players I’d be announcing and what to say.

With about 30 seconds till I was live, I suddenly got very hot…and my stomach felt like it was in knots. Then I felt it…I tried everything I could to stop it but it was no use. Without any warning and with only seconds left till I was live…..I puked…all over the press box.

When I say I puked I’m not talking just a small little puke, I’m talking full on chunks, and it went everywhere. The whole press box seemed stunned for a moment, then I was rushed into a bathroom while everyone else went into cleanup mode (except for my brother, who was on the floor laughing his ass off.)

After cleaning up in the bathroom, we went back to the car and headed home. I didn’t get to do my announcement, and they never invited me back for another try. I can’t really blame them though. There you have it, the most embarrassing moment of my life, and the end of my announcing career.

Day 6, Tuesday October 22nd 2019

The follow up

Just over a month ago I made the decision to go to my doctor and talk about my depression. This was a big step for me. I had never spoken about my depression with anyone except my family and a couple close friends. But after my family insisted and told me how worried they were, I went to the doctor and asked for help.

I got some, my doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant. After a month or so of taking it, I feel a little better, which I guess is better than no progress at all. My family seems to believe I’m making progress as well. So when I went to my doctor today for the follow up appointment we decided to keep myself on my current medication for the time being. My next check-up will be around the end of the year.

Other than that I really haven’t done a whole lot today other than work on school. It’s still the start of the week so I spent most of my day doing reading, watching presentations, and then reading some more. I’m more confident about my school work though then I have been in a while. I’m a year away from graduating and I’m now officially classified as a college senior. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that’s given me a fresh dose of motivation to keep pursuing this degree and to finish my degree as best as I possibly can.

One final note, the other night I created a Twitter account for this blog. I’m not sure how often I will use it, but it might be a way to get in touch and communicate with people who might be reading this as well as a way to tweet throughout the day. You can follow me on Twitter @Anon_Aspie2019

Day 5, Monday October 21st 2019

Bleak then Hope

This will be a short post, I’ve been very busy today as you might be able to tell from the fact that this post isn’t getting up until after midnight. Today was another rough day. School started up again and I’m feeling more overwhelmed than ever before. My day just kept getting more and more rotten.

And then the Star Wars trailer premiered.

I’ve been a Star Wars fan since I was 8 years old and I was introduced to it by my Mom. Star Wars has always been a source of joy and comfort for me, Today I really needed Star Wars and boy, did it come through. That’s the power of movies.

Day 4, Sunday October 20th 2019

The Thorn

Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. It was immediately followed up by one of the worst. I’ve felt it since the moment I woke up this morning. The fog had returned and my mind felt like it was going haywire with all these different thoughts and anxieties.

Ever since I was little I have struggled with something personal. It’s something I’ve shared a few times before with people in my life and let’s just say it has never gone over well. From this point on in my blog I will refer to it simply as “The Thorn” taking the name from the Paul’s thorn in the flesh found in Scripture. Ever since I was young I’ve been dealing with this thorn. I still remember the first time I felt it’s pull. As I have gotten older, the torn has only become more and more painful and even harder to deal with. It is probably one of the leading factors in my constant depression.

The worst part is, this is a thorn I can’t remove. It will be with me for the remainder of my life. It’s not a physical ailment, but it’s always with me in my mind. I can’t get rid of it. I’ve prayed so many times asking God why it’s there, why I’m the way I am. I don’t understand why I have this thorn and I’m not sure I ever will. The only thing I can do is keep my trust and hope in God and have faith that everything that has and will happen to me is happening for a reason.

It’s probably due to the fact that I was born and raised in a Christian home, but I’ve always had belief in God, even if my faith has been far from perfect. I have to believe that things happen for a reason, that we’re not just some coincidence of the universe. We’re here for a reason and for a purpose. God has given me this thorn to bear. I have to trust and hope that it’s for a reason. Because if it isn’t…I don’t think I could go on living anymore.

Day 3, Saturday October 19th 2019

A quiet day

Today might have been the best day I had in quite a while. It’s the end of my fall break so I took full advantage, my day consisted mainly of sleep, watching tv, more sleep, going to the movies with family, and now I’m headed back to sleep. Not a long post today, but not every day will be some sort of long form thing, at least not at first. Baby steps guys, baby steps.

Day 2, Friday October 18th, 2019

The Fog

I felt it again today, It’s been really bad the last week or so. When I first started taking an anti-depressant about a month ago I felt it lifting for the first time in ages. My mind felt so much clearer and peaceful. The last week or so it has come back with vengeance and fury. I call it the The Fog because that’s what it feels like to me. My mind is just trapped in this foggy web that I can’t seem to break out of no matter what I do.

I woke up at about 7:00 this morning, I wanted to get an early start to my day, I went for a walk, I came home and showered, and then I made the mistake of getting back into bed. Instead of starting my quiet time like I planned to, the fog took over, it was like I suddenly lost the will and strength to do anything, the only thing I wanted to do was close my eyes and escape into my dreams…and that’s what happened.

When I next opened my eyes it was just after 12:00. My entire morning was gone, the fog had claimed another victory in my mind. I was mad at myself for giving into it. But at the moment I sat up and told myself “I can still get stuff done today, I might have lost my morning, but I will not lose the rest of my day.” So I got out of bed and stayed out of bed until just now as I sit and type this post. There wasn’t a whole lot to do today seeing as it’s currently fall break, so I was productive in other ways. I cleaned out my email inbox, I went out for a bit with my brother and ran some errands, and I started planning my reading and school work for the week ahead of me.

The fog is one of the worst parts of my struggle with depression. It can leave you with no strength, and make you just want to stay in bed all day. There have been many days in my past where I’ve ended up doing just that. One thing the fog can’t take away though is your will power. The best way to fight the fog, is to get out of bed, look it straight in the eye and say

You will not beat me today.

Thursday October 17th, 2019

I can’t believe it

Today’s the day. Today, October 17th is my birthday. Today I start another chapter in my life, another trip around the sun. Looking back on the past 365 days, I’m honestly surprised I made it to today. There were so many days where depression just left me struggling to survive, days where it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness. The past year of my life has been the hardest I have ever been through. That’s why today I am celebrating, I made it through. Tough times knocked me down, but I got back up and I kept fighting. As this new year begins, I am going to try to keep doing that. I know it’s not going to be easy, there are still many dark days ahead of me. But I’m hoping that sharing my story here will help fight it, and maybe help someone else in their fight to.

For the next year of my life, I am going to write on this blog every single day. Writing has always been the best way for me to explain myself to other people, If you read my introduction post then you know I have Asperger’s Syndrome and that describing how I’m feeling or what I’m going through is difficult. I’ve also been so busy with school lately that I have not had the chance to write anything personal lately. All of my writing has been done in discussion board posts and research papers. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying what I’m studying, heck a couple weeks ago I got to write a research paper on Safe Standing supporting sections in European Soccer (I know i’m probably the only person in the world excited about that but work with me here.) But I’m glad to have something now where no matter what day it is or what’s on my mind, I have a place where I can share it. Even if I’m the only person who ever reads it.

The next year of my life should be quite the eventful one too. As mentioned in the paragraph above I’m currently a college student. I’m over 80% done with my degree now and by this time next year I should be almost if not completely done. But between me and that wonderful day is a Practicum that I start in a couple weeks, an internship next summer, and a bunch of 400 level classes that will most definitely be challenging. I’m also planning on moving out as soon as I finish my degree so I’m saving and trying to prepare for that day.

I’m not sure what the subject of the blog will be each day, some posts will be really long, some might be one paragraph. Some will be about my day, some might be stories from my past, some might be whatever the hell happens to be on my mind at the moment. But I’m happy to have a small little corner of the internet I can call my own now, a place where I can be unfiltered and completely myself without fear of judgement.

I hope you will join me on this journey.

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