I’ve been sitting here for a while. It’s almost midnight, there’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother blaring on the TV, I’m half-heatedly paying attention. I’ve mainly been staring at the blank canvas that lies in front of me on my laptop. I just created this blog, and I’m not even sure where to begin. There’s probably better stuff I could be doing right now. Like sleeping mainly. But I haven’t slept well in ages. I end up spending most of my nights lying in bed thinking until I finally just sort of pass out from fatigue.
So who am I? Well that’s confidential. I can tell you a few things about me though.
- I have Asperger’s Syndrome. Asperger’s if you don’t know is a high-function form of Autism. The gist of it is this, I have a ton of social anxiety. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to make friends or keep conversations going. Talking has always been an enormous pain for me. I’d much rather write than speak.
- I’m currently in college, I take classes online and I’m in my third year of study.
- I’m probably one of the biggest nerds on the planet.
- I’m from a Christian background. My parents met each other in a Seminary Chapel. I was one of those babies that was in the Church nursery pretty much as soon as I was out of the hospital.
- I am honestly not sure how to describe my faith right now. I want to believe what I have always felt about God and Christianity. But over the past few months, for the first time in my life I have truly started to doubt my faith. I guess I would describe myself as a religious person who is currently trying to figure out what they truly believe in.
So why am I writing an anonymous blog? I mean there’s no way for me to market this. I have no idea if anyone else will ever read this. It may just be me, myself and I rambling on and on to myself. But I have been thinking about doing this for a while now. A Blog where I could be unfiltered and share what I’m going through.
I mentioned above that I have Asperger’s and part of that is having an extreme amount of social anxiety. Well this makes sharing my feelings about 1,000 times harder than I assume it is for a normal person. I have my family and like two best friends and even with them I barely share how I’m feeling deep down..and when I do I stutter my way through it.
Because of this, I haven’t shared those feelings with anyone in a while..and it’s gotten to the point where it feels like my brain is about explode from the pressure if I can’t open up. I’ll be honest, 2019 has been a pretty shit year for me. I have gone through a breakup that left me completely shattered, I have been unemployed and until just last week, unable to find a job. I’ve been pouring all this energy into my degree and it’s starting to burn me out, and the school hasn’t gone well at times either. I’ve failed a class, retaken it and passed, only to now be on the verge of failing an entirely different class. Oh and there’s a personal struggle that I’ve been dealing with since I was 15.
On top of all this I’ve been having all these doubts about myself and my faith. Who am I? What am I here for? Do I have what it takes to succeed in life? What does succeeding in life even look like for me? Does God really care about me? I’ve been dealing with all of this and I’ve barely shared a word of it with anyone, and I just can’t do that anymore.
When I was younger and I wanted to talk about something deep and personal with my parents, I would send them an email. I would use the email to prepare a statement of sorts, my parents could then read about it and then talk to me. I’ve always been a better writer than speaker. When I write I have time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it which is something I desperately need. That’s where the idea of this blog came from. I can’t really talk about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through, so I’ll write about it instead.
My favorite musician at the moment is a rapper by the name of NF (If you’ve never heard of him, go look him up on youtube RIGHT NOW! Seriously this man’s music has helped me so much.) On the title track of his 2nd album “Therapy Session” NF talks about his music saying “When I feel something, whether it’s anger…it’s a passion about something, or frustration..this is where I go…This is real for me, I need this, this is a therapy for me.” That’s how I feel about this blog.
Welcome to my Therapy Session.